Out grumped!

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3 responses to “Out grumped!”

1. January 27, 2010

   BB’s Shit List, Pt.1 | BoldBelvoir's Grumpy Owd Twat Blog

   […] by the grumpiness of Mick Moonshine in my previous post, I’ve decided to create my own Shit List. How’s this for […]

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2. 

   August 25, 2012

   Russ Sacko Saxton

   Sacko’s shit list is all my own work. It isn’t even work, I just go about my business and it writes itself. Heres a more recent example;
   SACKO’S SHIT LIST

   Start the day with a smile-and get the bastard over with. You may as well, it’ll get wiped off sooner or later. Probably by some arse who is relentlessly cheerful and will say ‘It takes 56 muscles to frown but only 14 to smile’. Yes, and just three to punch you in the mouth.
   Another irritating little priggish whimsy is ‘you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’. But you catch the most with shit.
   And so, here comes the shit, let me hear ya SCREAM.

   Fun

   Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the whole point of fun supposed to be that it is ‘fun’?
   Yes, that’s what I thought. Why then do they couple the word to things that are not my, or anybody fucking SANE’s idea of fun?

   ‘Fun Run’-what’s fun about running? Nothing whatsoever.

   ‘Family fun day’. If you like mind melting expensive boredom with sullen ungrateful kids who resent bitterly the waste of 5 hours X box time then yes, it is fun.

   ‘Fun Pub’ . If your idea of fun is ghastly decor, a shrieking ninny DJ and witty messages in chalk all over the wall with bogs labelled ‘Ducks’ and ‘Drakes’ (Ye Gods…) then fine. My idea of fun would be the fiery end of all such establishments with their bosses, sorry ‘team leaders’ inside. I am not suggesting you go out and burn them down by the way. That is obviously a job for the army, though do help the heroes and take a gallon of petrol along.

   Even a ‘fun size’ Mars bar is what I call ‘miserly size’ and I think Marianne Faithfull would have to agree.

   Modern Porn Mags.

   The British just don’t do sexy very well do we? Girls, real tits are supposed to move. And what’s this craze for having a muff like Ali G’s beard or none at all? I’m surprised no one has latched to the latent paedophilia inherent in that.
   This is especially shown by our ‘art pamphlets’. Now I do not deny I have read a few thousand rhythm magazines in my time, I remember being surprised the first time I got a girl naked to see she had no staples on her belly, and I must admit I do hanker for the days when bongo mags featured pretty
   girls lying on four poster beds or on yachts or something, completely starkers of course, or in decorative lingerie rather than the hard faced tattoed fake titted cows in todays mags, saying ‘chuck your muck in ten seconds guaranteed’ – but thats just the romantic in me.
   Besides, who wants to drag things out that long? I’m hardly going to do it twice at my age.

   Old men who wear shorts

   Yuk, yuk, yuk, spew, heave, bleeargh. Stop it you fucking minging old bastards. Young men wearing shorts is bad enough but once past 40 it is an obscenity.
   Nobody can stop themselves getting old but you can stop causing dogs to bark in terror and making small children have nightmares by doing the following;

   1) If balding, shave the lot off.
   2) Chuck the Jesus sandals away.
   3) Put some fucking socks on
   4) Keep dressed on the beach. Please. which brings me onto…

   Naturists

   There’s something deeply wrong with these fuckers. I suppose I can just about understand wanting to get an all over tan if pushed but again there is a cut off point for that. But why, why in the name of GOD do they want to walk round the camp shop with their saggy barren tits swinging, their dimply arses out and swinging wrinkly old knackers like two onions in a Netto carrier bag about? And what possesses them to FRY SAUSAGES in the nude-have they no fear? it makes my arse go half a crown-threepence to think of it.
   Nobody with a fit body has ever joined a naturist club. When you join, you have to send a photo of yourself in the buff and if it doesn’t cause people’s hair to stand on end and isn’t useable as a horror film trailer it gets rejected.

   That advert with the twat who pretends to be into Duran Duran

   ‘Rocking from an early age, rocking from an early age’. Oh aye? In what planet in which galaxy has listening to Duran Duran been considered ‘rocking’? Maybe in a universe where everything was reversed, where Oasis were talented, it never rained at Download and beer prices went down every budget perhaps. A universe where rock cover bands did not play Wishing Well, where Christmas did not start till Dec 20th and Brian Johnson left ACDC to be replaced by Bon Scott.

   I have heard heavier music by the Wombles and the Carpenters, fuck, I have heard heavier music, more rocking tunes from Justin ‘gloves of metal’ Beiber. Listening to Duran Duran was in the 80s considered a hallmark of extreme homosexuality and demanded at least a tarring and feathering.

   The only rocking Duran Duran fans have done is rocking the beds as they bummed their boyfriends.

   Energy Bulbs

   I’ve seen more energy from a student. You could set light to a fart and cast more light than one of these things. A daffodil bulb would be brighter.
   However, they do save electricity. It’s so dark with one of these you can’t find any other appliances to turn them on.

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   1. 

      August 26, 2012

      Phil Ayling

       I am in AWE! 🙂

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