Why do all American women and kids talk like they’ve been eating Helium?
My reputation majestically sweeps before me. This is undoubtedly the best card I have received. Ever! I’m welling up.
Have you noticed the abnormal amount of time the media (and, it seems to me, the BBC in particular) gives to the American Presidential election? The whole process takes about a year and has only just started. Expect screens to be bombarded almost weekly with ‘news’ of banal ‘candidates’ with zero charisma and cheesy grins as wide as Alaska all …
So, the extractor hood in the kitchen dies. Off we go down to the electrical store to get a replacement. There’s a nice shiny replacement available for a reasonable price. On the box it says ‘Standard Fitting’, which I naïvely mistook for ‘old hood comes down, new hood goes in its place’. But no. Now, if I’d been writing the …
Dead bird found in bag of salad? Here’s an idea – buy some salad stuff fresh off the market and make the fucker yourself. Idle git!
Now I know I’m best at being grumpy, but I do like a good larf now and then, believe it or not. I recently listened to Rick Wakeman on his Planet Rock radio show, on which there was a request for listeners to phone in to the show with the funniest names for Tribute bands. Some of these had me …
Jedwank? Bluech? Fuck, it must be Euroshizen time again. I’m off out for a pint. Why is it named Eurovision anyway? Surely it should be Eurosonic or Eurosound. Bloody misleading if you ask me!
Jesus’ penis! I’m gonna lock myself in a bunker. Call me when it’s all over!
A couple of nights ago I watched a boy, maybe 7 or 8 years old, kicking an empty bottle around the pavement, while (presumably) his mother watched on in silence. The bottle predictably fell into the gutter and smashed. “You fucking twat!” shouted the mother. I couldn’t have put it better myself. What a wonderful society we have become.
I dunno, but I reckon the guy who painted that sign should’ve used bigger letters.